Jackassery, thy name is Enderle

Nothing new here, really. Just Enderle being Enderle. The Macalope will understand if you want to go read something else.

Rob Enderle, folks (tip o’ the antlers to Les Posen).

Let’s do this thing.

Rob predicts a bad year for Apple (when has he not?) and thinks the iPhone’s not going to help.

It comes in at a nosebleed price…

It is on the high end, but did you see the interface on that thing? Holy crap.

…it has really lousy estimated battery life…

Well, it’s all relative, isn’t it? What other combination video iPod, cell phone and computer with a robust web browser, email client and media management system has a better battery life?

Oh, that’s right…

…it uses the aging 2.5G wireless network…

Aging and ubiquitous.

…and both the hardware and the OS on it are relatively new — read probably buggy.

Well, sure. There are going to be bugs at first.

Is that all you got, Rob?

Sadly, no.

Because the iPhone is still months off, many who might have otherwise purchased an iPod in the first half of the year will likely hold and wait to see this thing before they purchase.

When they will purchase either an iPod or an iPhone. So some sales may get deferred, but not lost.

But what are they waiting for, exactly? The iPod part is the known quantity. It’s the phone part people might be unsure of. If anything the Macalope thinks people are going to hold off on their phone purchases.

Now, readers, you may want to wrap an Ace bandage or some cellophane around your head before you read the next paragraph, just to keep it from exploding.

That should put a drag on iPod sales on top of what typically comes after a really good quarter — and its fourth quarter 2006 was a really good quarter. A lot of folks have new iPods as a result, and these people won’t be buying new ones anytime soon.

BLAM!

Yes, this is Rob Enderle’s special alchemy: spinning good news for Apple as bad news for Apple. How does he do it?!

But, congratulations, Rob. You’ve discovered cyclicality.

Even if you have completely misunderstood it.

In addition, this is Vista launch. Regardless of whether folks flock to Vista, the massive marketing campaign will probably drown out anything Apple does and make it difficult to maintain sales.

Just like CES drowned out Macworld.

And, remember, when you’re trying to make a point it’s only necessary to discuss how one company’s initial release of something will have bugs.

Oh, and that company’s name should always be “Apple.”

If the company had rolled out Leopard or some new hardware to fight back with at MacWorld [sic], it might have held on. Such was not the case, though, and that means Apple will have an aging operating system on aging hardware that probably won’t get the needed refresh until mid-year if Apple hits it dates — and given the lack of Leopard content at MacWorld [sic], the company probably won’t hit its dates.

“It might have held on”? Right. Someone cue Ed Harris yelling at Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in The Abyss.

And “aging operating system”? Tiger will be all of 2 when Leopard is released. How old is XP again?

It’s very clear that the lack of Leopard content at Macworld (still a small “w”, thank you very much!) was an effort to drum up the iPhone, not to disrespect the Mac.

But, shh. Rob’s just gettin’ rollin’ now. Right over a cliff.

Speculation that Steve Jobs will take a leave of absence is continuing to spread.

Rob, the unsubstantiated rumor you link to was from before the keynote and was widely speculated to have been spread by jackasses looking to influence Apple’s stock price so they could buy low and sell high. Your decision to include it in your supposedly serious analysis is why you are the laughing stock of the Apple community.

Even if he doesn’t leave to fight the SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission), the distraction the broadening investigation is going to have on the executive staff and board will be a huge problem.

Not according to several Wall Street analysts who may yet prove wrong but whose opinions the Macalope would take over yours on topics ranging from “Apple, Inc.” to “how to spell ‘Enderle'”.

There is nothing like going to court against the strongest networking and the strongest telecom hardware company at the same time to keep folks distracted from what they otherwise should be doing.

Since when does Apple’s legal team design or market its products? And, you know, it’s not exactly like Apple’s never been sued before. The “iPhone” spat may end up being expensive and the company may take it on anyway for branding continuity, but no matter what the Apple phone is called when it’s released, it will still smell as awesome.

Apple is clearly not going away — but this year, compared to last, will be really nasty for the company.

Well, actually, the Macalope expects that this year may be harder than last year. But “really nasty”? You wish.

Dear Fortune's David Kirkpatrick…

More “Apple must license OS X” nonsense.

The Macalope has read your piece entitled Windows on the Mac changes everything and he wonders what you were drinking last night that you woke up this morning and decided that history begins right now.

At MacWorld [sic], a little company called Parallels won awards for the latest version of its hit product, which enables you to run both operating systems at the same time on a Macintosh. It’s a major breakthrough.

First of all, it’s “Macworld.” Small “w”.

Second, it was a major breakthrough… about thirteen years ago. Sure, it’s a hell of a lot faster now that Apple’s on Intel, but let’s give Insignia, Connectix and OrangePC some props, shall we?

Both companies’ products specifically aimed at the Mac will remain self-consciously crippled in order to satisfy Apple’s demands that users not be encouraged to put Mac OS on a non-Apple machine. But pressures seem to be building in a way that Apple and Jobs will increasingly have a hard time controlling.

Hard != impossible.

Even if Apple didn’t somehow use Intel’s Trusted Computing technology to make running OS X on non-Apple hardware harder [UPDATE: In response to several commenters, yes, the Macalope knows Apple does not currently use Trusted Computing, his point was simply that that could be one way to control the hardware that OS X runs on. There is no evidence that they would even do this, however.] and even if it didn’t take legal action against those who enable it, it can simply not support it. Then it would be run by a smattering of hackers and geeks who probably aren’t Apple customers anyway. Any business, school or home user would find the proposition a non-starter because here’s how a support call would go:

Apple: Hello, Apple support.

Dimwit using OS X on a Dell: Hi, I’m having a problem printing.

Apple: OK. Can you tell me what version of the operating system and what Mac you’re using?

Dimwit using OS X on a Dell: I’m running 10.4 on a Dell Dimension.

Apple: (click)

Dimwit using OS X on a Dell: Hello? Hello?

Maybe what’s confused you, Dave, is that Michael Dell is not the lathe of heaven. His dreams do not become reality.

The pressures are building on Steve Jobs. Eventually, as virtualization improves, it will prove harder and harder not to accede to Dell and others who want to sell his software in different ways.

Right. Please explain how that statement is different than this one the Macalope just made up:

As David Kirkpatrick’s stalking of Beyoncé Knowles becomes more belligerent, it will prove harder and harder for her not to accede to his desire to have sex with her.

Yes, VMWare and Parallels would love to sell OS X virtualization for non-Apple hardware and, yes, Dell would love to sell hardware that ran OS X and drive Apple out of the hardware business.

But why, Dave, would it be in Apple’s interest to simply hand its hardware business over to these companies? It makes sense for them, but it doesn’t make sense for Apple.

Apple makes the iPod, the Mac and soon the iPhone. All of these platforms are closed to varying degrees because that’s Apple’s business model. If you took a few minutes to pull your head out of your ass, you might have heard that somewhere.

Silly pundits everywhere would like to see Apple open these platforms up for no other reason than it would satisfy their desire to report a big story in the industry. As Apple is not insane it’s currently just a useful tool to try to bash the company over the head with and create a controversy out of something that’s more important to the pundit class than it is to the user base.

So, Dave, if we’re going to be forced to endure your stilted technology industry fan fiction, at least give your main character some motivation.

Sincerely,
The Macalope

Trouble squirting?

Sony and Universal cause Zune dysfunction syndrome.

Well, Zune users, it might be because Universal and Sony won’t allow what amounts to 40-50% of songs available for the Zune to be squirted (antler tip to Daring Fireball for the link).

Let’s say this out loud.

They won’t let you send a song to someone to be played all of three times before they’re prompted to buy it.

You might want to cancel your Zune bukkake party.

I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas!

Wow.

With the increasing popularity of the Mac, whether it’s from Apple’s “Get a Mac” ads or Microsoft’s own failings, there’s been a whole new cottage industry developing.

The Macalope is talking, of course, about the faux switcher.

What’s a faux switcher, you ask? (You’re always so helpful when the Macalope wants to engage in exposition! Thanks!)

A faux switcher is someone who has absolutely no intention of switching but writes a piece pretending to have considered it and lists their extremely lame and/or lazy excuses for not.

You may remember that lawyer fellow a few weeks back, but this week’s entrant into the Faux Switcher Olympics is one Matt Hartley at OSWeekly.

Why Apple Lost Me As A Potential User.

I’d like to go on record and say that I really don’t have anything against Apple whatsoever.

Sure you don’t, Matt. Why would we think that?

My better half is a Mac fan times twenty and uses it with great joy each day. She uses a Mini and PowerBook of the PowerPC variety.

Well, the Macalope hopes it’s of the PowerPC variety, otherwise she’s using a laptop that’s over ten years old.

Now, it seems Matt was all set to buy a Mac (sure, Matt) until a friend asked for some help installing the trial version of Office on his new MacBook.

Wait, what?

My task was to get the trial version of MS Office installed so that my friend could get caught up on a few things before finally buying a copy of Office a few days later.

Wait, Matt…

What a nightmare that was!

Stop. Stop.

First off, Matt, a nightmare is being chased by dead relatives reanimated as killer zombies, not failure to complete a simple drag-and-drop operation, exclamation marks not withstanding.

Second, the Macalope feels compelled to point out that the MacBook comes with a trial version of Office already installed.

This is not starting well, Matt.

Firefox and software installations, talk about a walk on the wild side!

Again with the exclamation marks! What! Is! Up! With! That?!

This dragging of an application to the dock and then to the applications folder is not something that I found to be all that intuitive.

Uh…

Wow.

Really? Because…

Wow.

Actually, the instructions you link to show that it’s the other way around — drag it to the Applications folder and then to the dock — so maybe it’s a reading comprehension problem.

Have you tried Hooked on Phonics?

To be honest, I’m surprised that more converts over the Mac don’t find this a little bit strange. Perhaps it’s just me?

Yes. It’s just you.

So, Matt, you say you had a couple of problems even you admit are probably not Apple’s fault and then can’t get over the idea of dragging and dropping an application to install it.

Is the Macalope clear on that?

Is your wife there? Can you put her on the phone? Because… damn, woman.

Macs: Great for Those Who Prefer the UI.

Not so great for those who prefer to have their temperature taken rectally.

Or something. Frankly, the Macalope’s still not sure what his real complaint is other than that he’s just never used a Mac before.

And there’s not much Apple can do about that, now, is there?

As for me, you couldn’t get me to use one again if you paid me.

Hey, fine with us, Matt. If you prefer to stay ignorant of the simplest of tasks and would rather click through an extensive installation process than doing a drag and drop, that’s your choice.

We do ask, however, that you stop writing about the Mac.

Actually…

…”demand” is probably a better word.

Really.

Just knock it off.

Fans of the Simpsons will recognize the title.

iPod sales down

Apple reports first quarter numbers.

Nah, the Macalope’s just kidding! Ha-ha!

They’re up. Of course they’re up! They’re up 50 percent to a whopping (all references to first quarter iPod sales figures must include the word “whopping”) 21 million.

iPod sales growth year over year was down, however, from 60 percent.

But when the last people on the planet who still don’t have an iPod are either Amish or Jim Alchin, it starts getting a little difficult.

Revenue is up. Profit is up. Margins are up. Mac sales are up. Fries are up. It’s all good.

Hear, hear.

Wall Street Journal column hits the right tone on the options scandal.

Alan Murray in the Wall Street Journal (paid subscriber link) has some harsh words for Steve Jobs (“arrogant”, “draconian”) and is rightly dubious of Apple’s protestations of his ignorance in the stock options scandal (the Macalope has held off on using that word, but we can rightly call it a scandal now).

But his conclusion is spot on:

If Mr. Jobs participated in backdating options, he should be punished. To let him off the hook would send a terrible signal that some people are exempt from the rules or above the law.

But any punishment that hampers his ability to continue running the company would be a mistake. That is punishing the victim, and only compounds the crime.

Sing it, sister.

If you read the analysis that’s floating around, it’s generally the mass-market publications that are breathlessly asking “WILL JOBS SURVIVE?!” From what the Macalope’s seen, the Wall Street analysts — the guys who actually have some skin in the game — are long on Jobs.

From Murray’s lips to the SEC’s ears.

The Macalope owns an inconsequential number of Apple shares.

Sex sells. Sex and Apple.

ZDNet has a controversial incentive plan for its bloggers.

Nick Carr points out a post by Steve Rubel who links to an interview with a ZDNet blogger who says that ZDNet pays them for each click their posts get.

Take a look at the list of top stories on ZDNet which Rubel links to.

The Macalope is sure that the fine bloggers at ZDNet are above trolling for hits.

Uh…

On the other hand, maybe this explains George Ou.

Well, that and lead exposure at an early age.

Cingular execs behaving badly

Try to tone it down, guys.

Cingular execs — from the the “Ha-ha, other carriers!” tone of CEO Stan Sigman’s dreadful keynote speech to the “We bent Apple” comments from president of national distribution Stan Laurie (antler tip to Daring Fireball) — sure are acting like some grade-A dickwads, aren’t they?

The Macalope would advise the “gents from Georgia” that their exclusivity lasts two years and people have long memories.

Apple made a deal of necessity and it brought the sizzle to the table. When you’re just the holder on a winning field goal, you should probably not do a big end-zone dance.

What makes a Mac?

No Mac announcements? Are you sure?

For all those complaining about the lack of Mac-related announcements during the keynote, Merlin Mann on the MacBreak Weekly Keynote Rap nails something the Macalope’s been thinking about the iPhone:

Dude, it’s a computer. It’s a Mac in my hand.

Is a Mac anything that runs the Mac OS? It was in the middle part of the 1990s.

Discuss.

UPDATE: Merlin recants and Daring Fireball clarifies – all this and more in the comments! Come on it, the water’s fine!

Ditto

Michael Gartenberg has the last word on the iPhone.

The Macalope seconds Michael Gartenberg’s final assessment of the iPhone.

Yes, I think it’s not perfect, but let’s be clear, the innovation and design outweigh any issues by an order of magnitude, perhaps several.

Indeed. The inverse Zune relationship.

And what’s funny is, this is precisely what the rational analysts were saying it would be. It would feature several compromises that not everyone would like, but its interface will make you forget things like, oh, that you’re now paying $500 a month to Cingular for data services.