Author: The Macalope

Your retail strategy appears to suck

In what seems like nothing more than a lame “me-too”, Microsoft is set to open retail stores. Unless they’re going to work with some hardware vendors to sell complete package solutions, the Macalope is having a hard time seeing how a store that sells nothing but software is going to do any better than, say, Egghead.

If you don’t remember Egghead, go ask your parents.

But, like the horny one noted, they could work around that.

The real kiss of doom is who they’ve picked to head up the effort. When Apple decided to open retail stores, it plucked Ron Johnson from Target and put the CEO of the Gap on its board. Who did Microsoft pick?

Porter has been head of worldwide product distribution for Dreamworks Animation SKG since 2007, but before that, he spent 25 years at Wal-Mart Stores. His last position there was vice president and general merchandise manager of entertainment.

Correct the Macalope if he’s wrong, but Dreamworks doesn’t have any retail stores other than, he would imagine, a few company stores. And, while some readers might not see the difference between Wal-Mart and Target, the horny one assures you it’s there.

It’s possible to still make a nice retail experience with these building blocks and Microsoft will assuredly throw a bazillion dollars into it, but right now this doesn’t exactly give off the sweet smell of success.

STOP IT.

Idiot.

This will come as no surprise to many, but Megan McCardle is an idiot (tip o’ the antlers to Michael J who linked to the Macalope’s piece below in comments there).

I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on the internet.

What does McCardle then do? Why, play doctor, of course. And on the Internet! It’s the double play of stupid!

But what seems more likely? That Steve Jobs is suffering from a “hormone imbalance” that has sent his weight plummeting and requires a leave of absence, or that his delay in treating his pancreatic cancer while he messed around with woo “alternative therapies” for nine months gave it time to metastize? Pancreatic cancer is nasty, nasty stuff. I don’t think we’re going to see another comeback this time.

Read that last line again. The Macalope has no funny retort, no snarky comeback to that. He is simply aghast at your ghoulish lack of sensitivity and boorish inclination to provide a medical opinion you yourself admit you’re unqualified to give.

Steve Jobs has never managed–or from what I understand, even much tried–to build a robust corporate culture that could be self-sustaining without his presence.

Great. Now we’ve established that not only are you unqualified to provide medical opinions, you’re also unqualified to provide management opinions.

What is it exactly you do?

Jackass of the year

Good. God.

Just don’t even click on it. Really. Steve Jobs = Apple, Jobs dying, Apple dying, no one else at Apple can find their ass with two hands.

Money quote:

So, any chance that [News Corp. number 2] Peter Chernin might have an interest in running a failing computer company?

Failing. Really. He wrote that.

For a unicorn chaser, you can read what the Macalope wrote yesterday about Tim Cook on Macworld, which is supported by this Money piece (tip o’ the antlers to Daring Fireball).

UPDATE: If you’re visiting from Megan McCardle’s post at the Atlantic, please read the response here.