ARRRRRRGH

Why, why, WHY?!

GOOD GOD, EWEEK. “10 Reasons an iPad Is Not for You”? Did the extra four characters required to say “May Not Be for You” really make it too long?

Don Reisinger’s leading paragraph isn’t so bad (the iPad really may not be for you!), but the list…

For instance, did you know the WiFi-only model is… WiFi-only?! It’s true! And WiFi-only is not as good as WiFi and 3G!

The problem with Apple’s WiFi model is that it doesn’t boast 3G connectivity…

NO. WAY.

…making it practically useless outside the home.

Just like a laptop is useless outside the home! The Macalope doesn’t even know why they make laptops! Unless they have 3G built-in, all devices might as well weigh 200 lbs and be connected to the foundation of your home by an adamantium tether.

WiFi is great, but WiFi and 3G are better.

You know what’s even better? WiFi and 3G and cake!

It’s hard to believe, but Reisinger unironically moves onto his next topic.

It’s Relatively Expensive

Don, you know what’s even more expensive? THE 3G MODEL.

Users can pick up a netbook for substantially less than the cost of an iPad.

Yes, but Don, they blow. They blow really hard. And, more importantly, they rely on an infrastructure suited to more powerful devices. The iPad has a rich infrastructure ideally suited to the platform. It’s already a terrific reading device. iBooks, the Kindle app, the New York Times app and NetNewsWire all provide gorgeous reading experiences. And it’s all only going to get better.

Apple has promised iPad multitasking in the fall of 2010. But until then, not having multitasking is proving to be a major issue for the iPad.

To who? Certainly not a single, solitary iPad owner the Macalope knows.

Once again, the device isn’t an iPhone and it’s meant to offer entertainment and productivity value. That means it needs the ability to run two third-party applications at the same time.

Why? Reisinger doesn’t say! It’s just true, OK?!

In the coming weeks and months, several new tablet devices will be hitting store shelves to take on the iPad. Whether or not any of those products will be able to match the iPad remains to be seen. But wouldn’t it be worth it to wait and see if they do?

Oh, totally! Always put off buying something that provides value today for something that may or may not provide value at some undertermined point in the future! That’s the engine that keeps this economy moving!

HP’s Slate, for example, will run a full version of Microsoft’s Windows 7.

HOW AWESOME IS THAT GONNA BE?!

It will also have USB connectivity…

Stop! Stop! You had the Macalope at “full version of Microsoft’s Windows 7” on an underpowered device designed for the kind of input Windows 7 isn’t at all designed for!

…making it capable of printing (another iPad omission) and connecting the device to peripherals. It might be a good idea to wait and see what HP has planned before jumping on the iPad.

OR THE BEST IDEA EVER. And by the time the HP tablet comes out, something else might be around the corner. You might want to wait for that, too.

Is it possible that Reisinger has never considered this paradox? He’s been writing about technology for a while now, you’d think that it might have occured to him. But, apparently not!

Apple doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to launch-day products.

Actually, the Macalope would argue that Apple has a terrific record when it comes to launch-day products. Is it perfect? No! But show the horny one a company that does it better.

If any company can match Apple in the tablet market, it’s Google.

Why do people keep saying this? Google has exactly one consumer* hardware device under its belt and it’s not exactly a barn-burner. Stop making things up simply because you want them to be true.

The company has a history of bringing worthwhile products to the market. And now that Apple has shown its hand, the search giant can improve upon the iPad.

Right. Because, apparently, Google has a magical development cycle that’s exactly zero days. Or the improvements will be in the 2.0 version. You should wait for that. It’ll be out in early 2012. Oh, and in order to make this scenario logical, Apple will never release an iPad update ever.

If it’s touch-screen functionality and access to an App Store that users want, an iPhone is a better choice than the iPad. The iPhone has all the same functionality as the iPad, but adds phone capability and, unlike the WiFi-only iPad model, 3G connectivity. That said, the iPhone runs on AT&T’s network and users are locked into a contract. But that isn’t such a big deal, since any smartphone will have that.

Hey, Don. You know what doesn’t have a contract at all? AN IPAD.

Although iPhone apps work with the iPad, they’re not that convenient to use. Apps built specifically for the iPad work well, but there aren’t nearly enough of them.

As opposed to those tablets that don’t even exist yet that Reisinger thinks you should wait for. There are lots of apps for those.

Aside from the fact that the iPad is a relatively expensive device, it can get even more expensive after the purchase.

That may be true depending on your use. Don’s examples, however — adding 3G and buying apps — are true for any device, whether it’s a tablet or laptop or smart phone. The iPad’s 3G contract is actually cheaper than any other a la carte option and, unlike a lot of bundled deals, doesn’t saddle you with a contract.

What was the point of this exercise, Don? What was the point of this stupid and futile exercise? This is not rational advice. It’s a list of ridiculous excuses. The really, really stupid thing is there are some very good reasons why the iPad isn’t right for some people, but Reisinger doesn’t touch on any of them. If you need to do a lot of typing, you have to factor in the cost of a keyboard. If it’s 3G connectivity you really want, you can get it on your laptop from Virgin Mobile for a price just a bit more than AT&T’s iPad deal. If Google Voice and porn are your kind of thing, you’ll probably want something Android-based. And so on.

There are any number of other reasons (all, of course, need to be considered in the context of existing alternatives) but why the hell should the Macalope go to the work to come up with them? Reisinger and eWeek are the ones devoting space to the topic, and failing so dramatically to provide anything more than knee-jerk, dime-store analysis.

—–
* Word “consumer” added after someone pointed out in comments that Google also has sold some server racks.

Comments
  • C:

    Macalope,

    I am in awe of your stamina to keep revisiting the drooling of these ‘journalists’.

    You forgot to mention the icing on the cake of the Reisinger article which was that it was presented in the craptastic eWeek click-whore slideshow format. Ugh.

    Keep up the good work!

    C.

  • Splashman:

    Reisinger is a full-blown idiot. He regularly writes “X reasons why…” or “X features missing…” articles for eWeek, and they’re all as infantile as this one. I don’t click on any eWeek links any more.

  • monkyhead:

    If by “multitasking” he means I get to use it at the same time as all the rest of my family because they won’t get their damb hands off it for more than two minutes, then the lack of multitasking is proving to be a major issue for this iPad owner.

  • L.:

    Google also had that like apps rack-mount server. Two hardware devices, but no barn burners seems pretty accurate.

  • Glenn Fleishman:

    “If any company can match Apple in the tablet market, it’s Google.”

    Because, you know how Google bought this chipmaker, and then developed a new incredibly fast chip, and kept that all secret, and then also had a team of people in-house working outside normal design constraints with all the custom milling and prototyping machine gear to mock it up, and how Google creates exactly what they want and then hires a firm to make that precise thing for them and no one else?

    Oh, wait, Google doesn’t do any of those things! I’d forgotten. They give HTC some specifications and work a bit together on the hardware look and some interface stuff, and then HTC sells the same kind of technology in other phones.

    (HTC is actually becoming a really fine firm; it might be able to challenge Apple for a solid touchscreen phone some day. Honestly. However, at that point, Apple will launch the death by 100,000 patent lawsuits.)

    But, Macalope, old pal, I’m worried about you. The Macworld folks keep you mildly sedated, but the blood pressure. Think of your 1,000 children, stampeding across the plains. They need you to stick around, buddy.

  • I think he wants an iPad really bad, but can’t admit he’s not buying one because his wife forbade him to. He thus needs a lot of fake excuses to save face in front of his friends.

  • JP:

    Just Priceless! Best insightful satire in the Mac community.

  • Juan:

    Since before the iPad came out, so many people both in and outside the tech community have been hellbent on dropping a deuce on the it at every opportunity. This trend has continued in spite of the public’s overwhelmingly positive response to the iPad.

    At first, I started posting responses to their tripe but later noticed that those authors became more and more prevalent on the front pages of their parent blog. I’m beginning to think they are more motivated by baitclicks, appeasing sponsors taking out ads on their site, or currying favor with whomever or whatever they cover (i.e. their beat).

    I always knew that people in the tech field were passionate but felt they aspired to a higher caliber of journalism and objectivism not found on the MSNBC and FOX News channels of the cable world. Now, I am not so sure.

  • JLSW:

    I think the term for Reisinger’s rant is “sour grapes.” Thank you for helping me to decide to buy an iPad. If this “genius” thinks it’s bad, then I HAVE to have one!

  • EbE404:

    Brilliant! Classic! Cake! (OK, I had to provide my own cake, but I’ll get over that).

    Thanks for the early Friday chuckle.

  • Stephen:

    Macalope, do you know if the people you write about ever read your analysis? Because they neeeeed to! I seem to recall one author responding to you a while back, but I wish it happened more. I would love, LOVE, to hear how Reisinger justifies himself in response to what you’ve just written. How could he possibly do it? And would anyone ever say, “Actually, Macalope, you make some really good points there. I’ll amend my piece.” Most likely not, but my, it’d be nice if it happened now and then.

    I just can’t believe this sort of dross continues to get published.

    Thanks, as always, for your posts, Macalope.

  • Axian:

    Don Reisinger is literally the stupidest man alive.

  • Devin:

    God, I miss these point by point dissections.

    The thing I wonder about the whole “it’s just a big iPod Touch/iPhone” complaint is that most people who use these smaller devices absolutely love them, so why would somebody NOT want an amazing interface with more power and fewer size restrictions?

    Do these same people look at a 27″ iMac and say “it’s just a big 21″ iMac?”

    Sent from my iPhone (it’s just a squinched up iPad).

  • rob:

    “Don Reisinger is literally the stupidest man alive.”

    I dunno, there’s some stiff competition there: Rob Enderly, George Ou, Maureen O’Gara (wait, scratch that), Glenn Beck… let’s just say he’s in good company.

  • We don’t have iPads here in Aust, nor will for the conceivable future, but lack of multitasking does sound a nightmare for writing in pages … having to save and close each time to open, say, a web page to get a quote or some such. What I’ve read of the workflow for the productivity suite is horrendous. I agree with your analysis even though my site is a petition to put flash on the thing ( http://flash4ipad.com ) … the guy is an idiot.

  • As a previous commenter mentioned, I’m worried about your blood pressure. I hope you are medicating as you are slogging through all this drivel.

  • macalop:

    omg i love appl-blrrrgh.. sorry i was choking a little on sj jizz

  • John Murray:

    I just stumbled upon this post through Google Reader, and realized how sad it is that there is a subculture of MAC users that spend a large portion of their time defending their brand alignment, as well as devoting entire blogs to it.

    Obviously Apple makes devices people like, and obviously some people prefer to use PC’s rather than Macs, both for a variety of reasons.

    You like your iPad, talk about how much you like it. Inform people on cool features of the iPad.

    All these kinds of posts do is perpetuate the awful stereotype (which happens to be true in a lot of cases, albeit still awful) of the frothing at the mouth Apple fanboy.

    Why am I even making this comment?

Leave a Reply to Stephen